Local Zeroes
Minnesotans and the Minnesota-connected have showed up on the big screen this year, but not always to the warmest critical welcome.
By Colin Covert, Star Tribune
Last update: February 14, 2007 – 5:50 PM
Fans of le cinema putride may ask: What became of our traditional Worst Films List for 2006? After moviegoers were brain-bludgeoned by hundreds of imbecilic offerings, it was clear that no mere rundown of the 10 Most Awful Movies could do justice to last year's deluge of dreck.
How to choose among big-budget groaners ("The Da Vinci Code"), abysmal teen comedies ("John Tucker Must Die"), syrupy schmaltz ("The Lake House"), horror films that have devolved into a gruesome branch of pathology ("The Hills Have Eyes" remake) and three Tim Allen movies?
A more selective approach was called for. Thus was born the Bizarre of the North Awards, recognizing the worst-reviewed film work by Minnesota talent. Critics from media outlets large and small weighed in on the folks below, who were born, spent their formative years or live in the North Star State.
SPECIAL ANIMAL CRUELTY AWARD Cole, a bearded collie from Green Isle, Minn., cast as Tim Allen's alter ago in "The Shaggy Dog." The film got as slammed as, well, a dog with fleas.
"Where's the ASPCA -- the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Audiences -- when you need 'em?" -- Washington Post
WORST FILM
"Fur, an Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus," produced by Bill Pohlad
Coming off the highs of 2005's best-picture contender "Brokeback Mountain" and last year's "A Prairie Home Companion," the son of Twins owner Carl Pohlad struck out with this pseudo-biography of the freak-loving photographer.
"My irritation progressed through contempt, eye-rolling and, finally, a dull despair illuminated only by the imminent prospect of dinner." -- Slate.com
WORST DIRECTOR
Terry Gilliam, "Tideland"
The Minneapolis-born Monty Python animator prefaced his depressive childhood fantasy with an onscreen intro apologizing to all the viewers it would offend. And he publicized it by standing on a Manhattan street corner with a cardboard sign proclaiming "Will Direct for Food."The movie dies early on, but it keeps hanging around, looking a little more rotten with each new scene." -- Entertainment Weekly
WORST ACTOR
Breckin Meyer, "Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties"
If you can't recall this Minneapolis native, imagine Zach Braff without the flash and sizzle. He signed up for the sequel to 2004's much-scorned "Garfield: The Movie," even though (true fact) he's allergic to cats.
"Meyer (is) seriously dull." -- Los Angeles Times. "Dull." -- The Hollywood Reporter. "Why do human leads Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt act as if they're the ones who've been neutered?" -- L.A. Weekly
RUNNER-UP
Josh Hartnett, "Black Dahlia"
The Minneapolis South High grad took whacks for his role in the Brian de Palma noir thriller in a review that compared him to a cheap form of pest removal.
"Hartnett is a good reflector of the feelings of the characters around him. But here he's the Roach Motel of actors: Feelings get in, but they don't get out." -- Salon
WORST ACTRESS
Jessica Biel, "Home of the Brave"
The pride of Ely, Minn., Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2005 broke out from playing action-movie hottie roles last year, turning in a well-received performance in "The Illusionist." But the road to hell is paved with high-minded roles. Her followup, as an Iraq war casualty, was a flop.
"As bland as she is impeccably coiffed." -- New York Times
RUNNER-UP:
Winona Ryder, "A Scanner Darkly"
A probation report filed after her conviction on grand theft and vandalism in 2002 said that Winona, Minn., native Ryder got painkillers from 20 different doctors. It was in-depth research for her first major role since the scandal, where she played a futuristic junkie in an animated film that made her look like a moving police sketch.
"The actress ... is hogtied." -- Charlotte Observer
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Craig Kilborn, "The Shaggy Dog"
The Hastings homeboy and former talk show host took a stab at screen acting this year. Critics stabbed back.
"After wasting countless hours of prime-time television real estate, overgrown frat boy Craig Kilborn sinks to his level playing the obnoxious coach of the jocks' team." -- The Onion
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kelly Carlson, "The Marine"
The Minneapolis native has been attacked by alien bugs ("Starship Troopers 2"), disfigured by a psychotic plastic surgeon (TV's "Nip/Tuck"), assaulted by a violent crime gang in her latest film and then damned with faint praise by the press.
"Hot." -- MSNBC.com. "Hot." -- Associated Press. "Hot." -- comingsoon.net. "Lava-hot." -- wwwwwe.com. "Hot."-- wwwentertainmentavenue. com. "Hot." -- austin360.com. "Hot." -- San Francisco Chronicle
JUST KEEP OUR NAME OUT OF IT AWARD
Jason Mewes, "Bottoms Up"
Nobody from here was involved in a major way in the straight-to-video comedy, but it damaged our reputation anyway, casting "Clerks" slacker Mewes as a Minnesota bartender wooing Paris Hilton.
"I am not being hyperbolic here. I really do think 'Bottoms Up' is the worst movie I have ever seen." -- wwwdvdverdict.com
